One Writeous Chick

Stuff I think about...plus a couple of hopes and dreams, and maybe a fear or two thrown in the mix...

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Lookin' For Love In All The Wrong Places

I have an addictive personality, and luckily, relatively harmless, non-glamorous addictions to go with it. Coffee. Diet Coke. Work. Checking email and voicemail. (I don't text. I am already obsessed enough with my aforementioned inboxes to add another element into the mix of my media diet.)

And. I've figured it out. Here's the thing: I'm looking for love in all the wrong places. No, not with bad boys and "men who can't love," but in my inbox. And honey, my inbox ain't never gonna love me back.

I get this little stomach flip whenever I check my voicemail or email, like: This is going to be It. There will be some message in there that will change my life as I know it. Just pluck me right out of my life, which can be, at times, frustrating, exhausting, disappointing, boring, and just so damn real, and plunk me smack-dab in the middle of my dream existence, which will be ever-exciting and chock-full of razzle-dazzle moments befitting of my best and brightest self drinking eight glasses of water and getting eight hours of sleep while simultaneously eating perfectly portion-controlled macrobiotic meals and meditating in headstand pose on a zero-humidity good-would-be-an-understatement hair day.

Like, for instance, I will be visited by an email from some great big, significant theatre that wants to produce my plays, or a publisher offering up a three-book deal, or an uber-agent, or someone from the great beyond who will take my career to this whole nother level, in the realm of my dreams and most wildest of wild possibilities. And it doesn't even have to be limited to something I have submitted for - this email or voicemail can come from something even greater, bigger, and more magical.

Or maybe the Message-To-Change-My-Life will come from a man; some fabulous and possibly perfect man from my past (I can't believe I never saw him in this light before!) or future (oooh, time travel, neat!) will step out from cyberspace or through the phone lines to declare his love for me.

Other not-fulfilling places to look for validation and approval include (but are by no means limited to), in the number of: messages, comments, friends, friend requests, pokes, whatevers on Friendster, MySpace, Facebook, Whatever. (Side note: I was "heavily involved" with my MySpace page for approximately three days before I realized that this was an obvious recipe for disaster re: my precious time and see also: my self-esteem. In a world where a book or a movie can make more friends in a day than I can ever hope to have in a lifetime...that's just weird, right?) Oh, and this one's pretty rare, but do you happen to know anyone who is addicted to their CrackBerry???

I am a dreamer and a believer, a hope-ful romantic, and I know that this is a very good thing. Where it comes around to bite me in the boo-tay is when I rely on others - real and imagined - to tap me with an e-wand and sprinkle cellular fairy dust over me and make all my dreams come true. To validate me. Approve of me. Love me.

The holiday season brings its own kind of magic into the air, and also its own set of expectations, obligations, disappointments, stresses, worries, expenses, and anxieties. It is also a great time to give gifts to yourself (which, as I confirmed with a shopping-bag-laden acquaintance in the elevator the other day, can turn out to be the most rewarding and fulfilling gifts of all; no surprises, disappointments, or unmet expectations!). If you have similar techno-addictions, think about taking a cue from Victorian Moran's book Creating a Charmed Life* and give yourself the gift of "Banning the Buzz" (ie take a break from phones, computers, emails, Internet, television, DVR, iPods et al. Yes, that includes BlackBerries. Just put it on the ground, put your hands in the air, and step away slowly...) for a day or two this holiday season, and look inside yourself instead of in your inbox or on your MySpace page for that happy fluttery feeling of joy, contentment, possibility, and hope. And while you're there, give yourself heaping doses of validation, approval, and love, from yourself, to yourself. And maybe throw in a spa treatment or two for good measure. I find that a pedicure and/or a massage never hurts to nudge yourself in the direction of feeling great...

Enjoy the holidays and Happy Writing!

Lots of love!

Jen xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

*For more information on Creating a Charmed Life and Victoria Moran, visit www.victoriamoran.com.

1 Comments:

At 8:42 PM, Blogger Laquisha said...

Expectations. Holidays. Looking for love. Wrong places.

That's what stuck in my mind. In that order. Which is funny
because if I were to really "think" (I'd like to italicize here, but I can't) about it all ... I'd put love first.

Or like. Or whatever. I feel like I've been looking forever. And I get close sometimes, and then it gets snapped away. Like I'm not allowed to have it. Like I shouldn't have been holding it in the first place. Like someone is saying, "Hey -- you! Put that down! Where'd you get that? Gimme that ..." and they rip it away from me. In the form of an ex girlfriend showing up. Or just a cataclysmic meltdown.

And I think, why can't it be me? Why can't I hold it? Wrong places. That should be next. That's why I can't hold it. Always the wrong place. So hard to break cycles. And you always think it'll be different. It isn't. It never is.

 

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